


If They Only Knew

by sadbibarnes



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Implied Sexual Assault, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-23 03:37:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19142767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadbibarnes/pseuds/sadbibarnes
Summary: Memories and feelings come back in flashes to Bucky.Placed during Civil War.





	If They Only Knew

Coming out of cryo is always disorienting - trying to get your bearings in a world that has moved on without you. It was always the same - wake up, do the Mission, Report, go back to sleep. Wash, rinse, repeat. See Pierce, hand over the Mission, go back to sleep. 

 

Except when it wasn’t. 

 

This time, you’re coming out as someone new. Not the Asset, but as someone whose name you forgot long ago. 

 

_ Bucky? _

 

The memory sticks, even when they wipe you.  _ He knew me. _ The memory sticks, even when you run.  _ He knew me _ . The memory sticks, and brings more when you go to the museum.  _ Barnes is the only Howling Commando to give his life in service to his country _ . New memories surface.  _ Best friends since childhood _ . More memories. A bully, a skinny boy, blood.  _ Inseparable on both schoolyard and battlefield _ . A metal table, some leather straps. Darkness.  _ The only Howling Commando to give his life. _ A man, broad and blonde, but scared.  _ Bucky!  _ Scared, of you?  _ I thought you were dead.  _ You are.  _ Just go, get out of here!  _ You can’t. A train, a fall. Snow, cold.  _ The only Howling Commando…  _ More tables, straps.  _ to give his life…  _ Wiped, compliant. Missing… something.  _ in service to his country _

 

If only they knew. 

 

.oOo. 

 

You wake up again. But this time, it’s because the sun is finally shining through the newspapers on the windows. You look around your studio apartment, the sounds of the city enveloping you. Neighbors speaking Romanian -  _ Bună dimineaţa! _ \- and cars rushing by. You’re alone, finally. In hiding, yes, but still alone.  _ Undercover _ \- no, just hiding. It’s easier to hide in a city, no on asks questions, people come and go.  _ It still looks the same _ . As what? You clench and unclench your hands, making sure you’re still you. Finally sit up, stretch, sniff. Look around the room, what do you need. Water?  _ He’s fine, just put him back under _ . Water. Food?  _ He’s fine. _ Food. 

 

Stand up, walk, work on balance - one side is heavier than the other. When there’s no plan, you feel it more. Find bread, plug in the toaster, pull out a pan.  _ Pans are good weapons in a pinch _ . No, put it on the stove. Turn on the stove, let the fire catch.  _ Touch it, feel something _ . Don’t, put the pan on it. Butter, eggs, stir.  _ Put you hand in the fire.  _ Don’t, turn it off. 

 

_ Barnes is the only Howling Commando to give his life in service to his country. _ You laugh, attempting to scrub the memory from your mind. Memory? Can you remember something if you weren’t there? 

 

Eat, shower -  _ water’s a bit hot there, don’t you think  _ \- turn the water up more. Dress - boxers  _ what the hell are these _ , shirt, pants, socks, sweatshirt, hat.  _ They’re looking for you _ . Gloves. Bag. Double check back door and window locks, open and shut the door, lock it, leave.  _ Take the backpack _ . 

 

Farmer’s market. Fresh fruit and accompanying insects, people milling around.  _ Look for the Mission _ . Pick up a plum with the Arm, sqeeze gently.  _ Didn’t you crush this person already _ . Smile at the lady, pick up three more, pay her.  _ Someone is looking at you _ . Look over your shoulder, newsstand.  _ Someone is looking for you _ . Thank the lady, walk to the news stand.  _ That’s you.  _

 

Shit.  _ Go, get out of here! No, not without you! _ Run, go, get. Home. Someone’s there.  _ A man, blond and broad.  _ Walk through the door.  _ Palm the knife up your sleeve. _ He’s looking at  you your stuff.  _ I thought you were smaller. _

 

“Understood,” he says. He turns, sighs, “Do you know me?” 

 

_ I thought you were smaller _ . Blink, “You’re Steve. I read about you in a museum,” sound comes out of  the man Steve, but his lips don’t move.  _ They’ve set the perimeter _ . 

 

“I know you’re nervous,” he pauses, “and you have plenty of reason to be - but you’re lying.” 

 

“I wasn’t in Vienna, I don’t do that anymore,”  _ are you sure though?  _

 

“Well the people who think you did are coming here now,” he says quickly, “And they’re not planning on taking you alive.” 

 

_ Thank god.  _ “That’s smart,” you breathe. More ventriliquism, sound on the roof. 

 

“This doesn’t have to end in a fight.” 

 

“It always ends in a fight,” punch the floor, grab the bag, hide behind the sheild  _ you’re keeping the outfit right? _ . Toss the bag out the door. 

 

Jump.  _ Hope you don’t make it.  _

 

.oOo. 

 

“What’s going to happen to your friends?”  _ You don’t want to know. _

 

Steve pauses, “Whatever it is, we’ll deal with it.” 

 

_ Jump out of this plane. No parachute, like he did.  _ “I don’t think I’m worth all this, Steve.” 

 

“That wasn’t you,”  _ Laughter, hands, metal _ . 

 

“Yeah, but I still did it.”

 

.oOo. 

 

There’s a choice this time.  _ There was a choice last time, and look where it got you. _ There’s a choice this time, and you can make it. 

 

“You don’t have to do this,” Steve hums. 

 

_ Yes you do, you’re a danger and everyone knows it.  _ Look around, the lab is white, filled with light and smiles.  _ It’s still a lab. They’re going to Do Things.  _ You trust them.  _ Hands, hair, legs spread. _ You trust them. 

 

Wake up, do the mission, go back to sleep.  _ You’ll sleep when you’re dead. _

 

If only they knew. 

 

.oOo. 

 

Coming out of cryo is always disorienting - trying to get your bearings in a world that’s moved on without you. It’s always the same - wake up, do the Mission, go back to sleep.  _ Ready to comply. _ There’s no mission, just a small Black girl with a big smile.  _ Ready to comply. _ She’s excited about… something.  _ Longing, rusted… _ The words. You stop thinking,  _ ready to comply _ . But it doesn’t come. 

 

Oh no.  _ You were already ready, she’s testing you _ . Why can you think straight? She’s saying the words  _ furnace, daybreak _ why aren’t you falling  _ seventeen _ a memory  _ benign _ Sarah  _ nine, homecoming _ Steve  _ one, freight car _ falling. 

 

You wait for the crash, to go under.  _ Ready to comply _ . 

 

“What the hell was that?” the words come out finally.  _ No, that’s not right. Ready to -  _

 

“Did it work?” Steve. “Shuri”  _ What the hell _ “Did it work?” 

 

“James?”  the girl Shuri asks, “James can you hear me?” 

 

“What. The hell. Was that,” more words, but they’re not right.  _ Ready -  _

 

“It worked,” Shuri breathes as though she’s been holding her breath, “You’re okay.” 

 

The world goes black. 

 

.oOo. 

 

You wake up again  _ when will you stop _ to the setting sun. You’re on a bed, someone is next to you.  _ God, not again. _ Please don’t be someone I don’t know again.  _ Not again, no please. _ You look over.  _ I thought you were smaller.  _ Broad, blonde - no he’s got dark hair now. 

 

“I thought you were dead,” Steve says. 

 

_ You hoped you were, too _ . “Nope, still here,” you laugh dryly.  _ When will it finally come.  _ You close your eyes again.  _ This isn’t happening.  _ Open them again, get acquainted with the surroundings. 

 

_ A guy could lose himself out here _ . Let’s hope. Look around, but it’s all flat.  _ Damn. _

 

“I have to go,” Steve stands, brushes his pants, “I’ll see you. Don’t do anything stupid until I get back.” 

 

_ A memory. _ “How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you.”  _ What the fuck does that even mean. _

 

He leaves.  _ I thought you were dead.  _

 

If only they knew. 


End file.
